What's an Old Sould To Do?

Someone said I had an old soul today. What a lovely compliment. Really.
Truth is I just feel old. OK, let me begin again. Have you ever met someone who is doing what they are meant to do? I’ve always been envious of these people. My husband is one of them. He’s been fixing vehicles before he could even drive, swapped out 9 engines before I let him buy an engine hoist. Mechanics is just in his blood. Well, when I went to university I had the hardest time figuring out what to do. The world opened up before a vast chasm of possibilities. So, I did the only sensible thing to do – faked it. I went to school and took a bunch of courses that sounded interesting and then took more of the interesting ones until I had a double major in linguistics and sociology. Not the most useful thing but what a fun degree. After that I temped and got an admin job and eventually worked my way up to the job I have now. I went where the current took me. And it’s a good job, don’t get me wrong, and I always think it’s funny I ended up working with engineers.
But something strange happened this week. Well, it was the catalyst, really, as there have been many signs that have been building up and up and up until now I can’t ignore it. The thing that happened this week is that a local college announced that it will be starting up a midwifery program. Even as I type this my heart jumps – midwifery, oh, how I want to do this! I think I could be really good at this, I am passionate about it. I remember when my friend had her baby last month and I rushed out to her house to deliver herbs and it wasn’t the usual cooing about the cute little baby, the empathy for the mother rose and I had to help her.
And then reality hits – if only I’d figured this out 10 years ago – oh, it was so easy to go to school then. It’s the money that’s getting me, and not even tuition, but my family needs my income every month. It’s impossible. I have a family, responsibilities, debts (student loans from last time, even!). But nothing is really impossible, I know, I just can’t figure out how to be able to do this. How do people manage to go back to school when they’re older? If only I knew. And so I feel old today. Not an old soul, but old and out of options.

I'd love some input here, anyone. Any thoughts?

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I have this dream life where everything is modern and beautiful. I drive a small fuel-efficient car that is silver. Groceries are still carried to your car in paper bags with baguettes sticking out the top which can then be made into princess dresses for precious little children in glorious afternoons filled with crafting and reading books in the sun. Life is filled with simple and homemade and family (like this), and I'm cool enough to buy stuff off of etsy. Oh, ya, and I have this kitchen. Yes, this kitchen is my alternate reality. Look how clean and calming it is. A universe that doesn't require paperwork, balancing priorities or too too much effort.

sigh. one can have dreams, right?

Pursuit

It was during one of those teething nights when the nightmare pursued me. Baby was restless, waking up every half hour or so wanting to nurse, and not really happy with that. I was so absolutely exhausted. This was the fourth night in a row with no sleep. It was one of those nightmares that picks up where it left off when you fall back to sleep, so you wish to not sleep or try to fill your thoughts with happy things like puppies and visions of fields of wildflowers and sunshine and laughter. I kept on waking up and going back to sleep, so the nightmare lasted for several hours.

It was a cannibal that pursued me. It chased me and I ran and I hid and it never quite caught up with me. The dream was rather frightening, really, me skulking around in the dark, being hunted. Almost being caught and devoured again and again. Eventually, as I rolled over to feed and calm the baby once again, I thought of my uncle counselling my mom about killing nuisance crows, and came up with a way to deal with the cannibal. We crushed up some pills and soaked a big red steak in that and then put it out in the garbage for the cannibal to find. Finally the cannibal was sedated for a moment. Of course, we reasoned that it would be a good idea to restrain it, should it wake up and renew the pursuit, refreshed from the nap. It was precisely at this point that the greater meaning of the dream became absolutely clear. Like a curtain lifted, I understood immediately. We restrained the now drooling cannibal in a child’s car seat bucket. I suddenly recognized the cannibal to be my own baby, drooling from teething and literally eating from me all night long.

What a horrible night.

My Dream House is for sale.

My Dream House is for sale. I've always walked by it and thought I'd love to buy that house if it ever comes up for sale. And now it is.

The house is in the best part of our particular neighbourhood - it's a cul-de-sac that must have been the nicest houses when the area was built. You can just tell that more care was put into this area. It's a 4 level split with 3 bedrooms up and another down (our current house has only 2 bedrooms up). All 4 levels are developed, giving you lots of living space. Much of the inside (from pictures) looks to have been redone. Hardwood floors, big kitchen, huge windows.
For the guys there's a great big garage (they call it a triple, but DH says it's not really.) He could get his truck in it, AND walk around it. Heated and insulated and wired with 220 (apparently that's important, and a good sign). Also, an en suite which is something DH has been missing in this house. And RV parking, accessible from the back alley.
It's a corner lot with a huge yard sweeping around 2 sides. There are big mature trees and nice landscaping (underground sprinklers even). It would be great for kids playing. It's across the street from a huge natural park system, and only a block or two from the local elementary school. It's farther away from the railway tracks, and highways than we are now, and on a quite little cul-de-sac that doesn't go anywhere else, making it cosy and quiet.

The only thing we can't figure out is where the dog(s) will go. There's a fenced area in the back, but it's got paving stones, not grass. We'd have to figure out some fencing or something to give them some space to hang out. But that's the only negative I can think of.

I want it bad. It's the perfect house for us.

But Oh what timing. I just started mat leave, so less income. Would we even qualify for a mortgage? It's about 50,000 more than our current house. And then there's the thought of getting ready to sell our house ASAP, and getting ready to move.
Plus the whole Baby Imminent thing. I'm not going to be much use for packing, cleaning, moving.

Too much to think about. I think we have to go for a walk and drool some more.

That's MY story, and I'm sticking to it.

What is it with people asking how you're doing?
I don't really want to say.
I've been in a really weird headspace lately, and haven't quite figured out how I'm doing exactly.
I don't really want to talk about it, either.
But people keep asking, so I have to come up with something - usually I just distract them with a funny anecdote, and go from there.

Today's distracting anecdote:

It's roughly midnight and Dearly Beloved and I are nestled snugly in bed, as visions of sugarplums dance in our heads, when suddenly he wakes me up with a start, yelling "Get on the Floor!". So I dive over him, onto the floor. Something with feet jumps through the window, onto my head, and out the bedroom door.
We were both freaked! Me because I thought we were being attacked by monsters, and him, no doubt, at being awakened by a delirious, hugely pregnant person launching herself wildly over him and onto the floor.
Ya, so, that's MY story, and I'm sticking to it.
Sorry to have woken you up, dear, and I didn't mean to steal your blanket as I took cover. I hope you got back to sleep afterwards, I know I didn't.

Birth Dream

I just remembered that I had a dream last night that I had the baby. She was born by c-section and I wasn't disappointed at all. I felt healthy and calm and so did the baby. I wonder what would happen in real life that would make that reality.

Oh, and, yes, it was a girl. She was perfectly delicious, and the calmest baby ever.


Hmmm.... I was blonde and skinny and smiling, and it was sunny out - maybe I was dreaming someone else's dream. Wouldn't that be a cruel joke!