It took 4 days away from work to realize this. I have to write it down quickly before I forget. The problem is excess. And I speak personally here, but I think others can probably relate. Since I’ve started working again I snatch and steal every moment I have with my kids and partner and family I love, gathering up as many moments as I can like melting snowflakes. And now I see that I’ve been gathering other things as well, in an attempt to feel whole – food, “stuff”.
I could tell it was happening – I knew I was eating everything I could get my hands on. I could justify buying almost anything. It wasn’t like me, but I couldn’t stop it. When I was off work last year with the baby I had settled into a calmer approach to life. I skipped cake because I knew there would be more another day. Now I gobble it up, not wanting to miss anything. There’s an urgency about life. Not wanting to miss anything, but in process, missing the point. My goal is balance, and on the outside, I think this life looks like balance, but why can’t I let go and stop consuming, stop needing more? Because it’s not really balance. Or it’s balance, but something else is missing – the calm that balance was supposed to bring.
I feel like I need to let go, but am afraid of what that would mean. I still don’t want to miss anything.