It was possibly the most ackward situation of my life.

In the elevator with one of the VPs from work and he asks me why I’m not coming to yoga anymore. “It’s not in the budget” I said (I’d rehearsed that – I knew this might happen). He looked surprised. “It’s just not in the cards right now.” He said your health should be your number 1 priority, and I said I agreed. I said I have a nanny to pay for and “Life is expensive”. I said I’d be back. I was sure glad when the elevator reached the bottom, and I hope he realizes how awkward that conversation was. Especially after receiving pay cuts last month. Actually it went fairly well – I held my own - but I’d rather not talk to the VP of our company about my financial situation.

Error: Universe not found. Contact your system administrator.

I have this dream life where everything is modern and beautiful. I drive a small fuel-efficient car that is silver. Groceries are still carried to your car in paper bags with baguettes sticking out the top which can then be made into princess dresses for precious little children in glorious afternoons filled with crafting and reading books in the sun. Life is filled with simple and homemade and family (like this), and I'm cool enough to buy stuff off of etsy. Oh, ya, and I have this kitchen. Yes, this kitchen is my alternate reality. Look how clean and calming it is. A universe that doesn't require paperwork, balancing priorities or too too much effort.

sigh. one can have dreams, right?

This Lesson is about Excess

It took 4 days away from work to realize this. I have to write it down quickly before I forget. The problem is excess. And I speak personally here, but I think others can probably relate. Since I’ve started working again I snatch and steal every moment I have with my kids and partner and family I love, gathering up as many moments as I can like melting snowflakes. And now I see that I’ve been gathering other things as well, in an attempt to feel whole – food, “stuff”.
I could tell it was happening – I knew I was eating everything I could get my hands on. I could justify buying almost anything. It wasn’t like me, but I couldn’t stop it. When I was off work last year with the baby I had settled into a calmer approach to life. I skipped cake because I knew there would be more another day. Now I gobble it up, not wanting to miss anything. There’s an urgency about life. Not wanting to miss anything, but in process, missing the point. My goal is balance, and on the outside, I think this life looks like balance, but why can’t I let go and stop consuming, stop needing more? Because it’s not really balance. Or it’s balance, but something else is missing – the calm that balance was supposed to bring.
I feel like I need to let go, but am afraid of what that would mean. I still don’t want to miss anything.

On Food

I found a nice little summary pocket guide here on the foods that have the highest and lowest pesticide exposure. Did you know that (according to their website) you can cut your pesticide exposure by 90% if you avoid or buy organic the top 12 offenders?

Interestingly, I found that a couple of things I always buy organically are on the best list, so I am going to reconsider buying these organically (onions, avocado, broccoli). Of course, this only looks at how much pesticides the end product has, not how much is poured onto the plants and into the soil. Buying organic is almost always better but can be awfully expensive.

I'm also trying to figure out how to eat more local and fresh foods. The 100 mile diet where I live takes a lot of effort. Our growing season is so darn short that most of the year almost nothing is in season. I've realized that probably the best way to do this is preserve food from the summer to eat in the winter - isn't that what our prairie ancestors did? So, hopefully I can plan things next summer to put the best summer fruits and vegetables in the freezer and we can rely on stuff shipped from Peru a little less. Another idea I had was to grow food indoors. Our house is just too small right now and the light's not very good for indoor gardening... I'm trying to figure out if I can do this even on a small scale. Herb pots, anyone?

friends

There is so much going on in the blogs to think about. Really good conversation. I love it.

I can't get out of my head Angie's post about the basis of friendships. She's talking about authentic friendships that are based on something more than "child raising, cooking, where to get the best snow gear, or how to save money at the grocery store". I can't quite figure out how to respond because I like hearing about the day to day of how everyone is managing. I like to know how other people are responding to the same challenges I am. Or hearing about what it's like to be living in someone else's shoes. I think you can see a lot about people from how they face life's challenges. We get a glimpse of who they are. I see this in some of the photography blogs I follow - pictures of ordinary things that are beautiful in themselves - because I can see the beauty in the everyday.
At the same time, I get what she is saying, we can be so superficial, and I know I have some friends who really listen to what I am saying and know me for who I am, and others who just listen to the words and keep things on the surface.
I am stumbling on my words here, and the thought feels half-formed, but I didn't want to let it go. I read Angie's blog a lot and she talks about ordinary things all the time, and I'm wondering what a friendship would look like without that.... what if every conversation was only about "deep" stuff? I think that would feel superficial, too.
In fact, now that I think about this, I know someone like that, and it feels like we have nothing in common, even though we really, really do, and it's an awful lot of work any time we converse. Sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough when I talk to her about how our life is going because I can't tie it all back to some underlying life-theme. I've learned to be guarded about what I say because I might be asked to delve deeper. I even tried to talk to her about it once and she didn't get it. She didn't see any importance in talking about day to day life. Darn it, I give up!

"OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!"

A lot of things would change if I were Emperor. I was going to go for Benevolent Dictator but thought Emperor sounded more vague. Easier to do right.

We’d put all the grumpy people on one floor. I think the grumpy floor would be really quiet. They'd probably all hide in their offices. They’d probably like that. Until they all filed out into the elevator, then look out.

Do you think we could put all the people who actually like donuts on one floor? Then the rest of us wouldn't have to face them every time we go by the kitchen.

I've been practicing:

"OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!"

pretty good, eh?

I get to be the queen at home sometimes... you know, the princesses’ mom...
It's more of a figurehead role, though, mostly for show, the princesses get to have the real fun. As Emperor I'll really get things done. Plus the wardrobe is more promising (think The Emperor's New Clothes… could be interesting).

I have it all planned out.
I'd make things and take half-fuzzy pictures all day long and when I got tired of that I'd go for long walks in the woods and drink fancy coffees with good friends. I mean Emporial Advisers.
And I'm sure I'd just wear jeans. But I'd splurge for ones that fit. And nice shoes. Definitely nice shoes.

I don't want to go too crazy as emperor. You know, save some for social programs (like coffee dates for everyone - let them eat cake.). Yes, everyone in "the land" would be happy. There would be puppies and butterflies and children skipping in fields. Why not?

Ahhh....one can dream, can't she?

All funded by exorbitant taxes. Naturally.

I am really going to have to learn to spell emperor right if this is going to work.

Why I wish I had a small(er) camera, and what I love about bento this week. Yes, they're related.

I want to post so many things with pictures but never seem to get to the computer at home anymore to download some. In fact, there's not a day that goes by that I don't wish I had my camera with me. Yesterday it was first to capture the crane rising into the fog with building half torn apart in the foreground. It was such a juxtaposition between magnificent rising into the clouds and broken down-ness that I was intrigued. Progress and destruction. Renewal and decomposition.
Then as we drove home and got to the top of the hill the sky lit up above the mountains in bright pink firey clouds and the town was completely engulfed in billowing white clouds. It was surreal. And we descended down into the clouds and my driving partner commented that now it was night, and I thought that no one down here knows the magic thing going on up above. And soon it became unbelievable even to us that there was anything other than what we were seeing down below.

But this post was supposed to be about bento. I was reading this article (I love the title: finding my balance) yesterday and thinking about the bento lunches I've been packing lately. They're rather a hodgepodge of whatever will fit into the spaces in the box. A yummy hodgepodge, I have to say, and I've been so happy with them, but today I created something that is simpler. My lunch is calming. And I wish I had a picture because describing it is pretty lame. I can't wait for lunchtime, and have been showing everyone at work my geeky bento creation.

Creating bento lunches has been an unexpected joy - I love making them. It satisfies my need for creativity. I hope it doesn't loose that appeal.

Ho Hum. I can't believe I've never posted about photography before. Or at least used the tag. If I had a teeny camera I could tuck it in my pocket and snap pictures at will. And download blog ones at work. But would I ever be happy with that?

Nanny Saga

Well, it's been a busy month. Since getting back from holidays we've been looking for a nanny. Yes, it's really been since the end of August and we're still looking. We interviewed a lovely girl named Rose who was working in Taiwan, but originally from the Philippines. We decided to hire her and started the paperwork. She was originally hired by the family in Taiwan to take care of an elderly man with Alzheimer's. Really, she worked in their day care/school, though. Her contract stipulated that if the gentleman passed away the contract would be terminated. What do you know, before she could get her visa application in to come to Canada, the guy died and they sent her home. 6 weeks before she was supposed to come here. I'm told it's a 2 year process for her now to get out of the Philippines again.

So we interviewed some more and found a nanny from China who is already here in Canada and is looking for work. We met her, interviewed her, offered her the job, had her over for supper, gave her a contract and she emailed back the next day to set up a time to sign the contract. An hour later she emailed back saying she's gotten another offer from a Chinese family in the city (she really wanted to work in the city) and had to decide which offer to take. You can guess how this story ends.

So now we are STILL looking for a nanny. I still think a nanny is the way to go for us. Not having to get the kids up and out the door by 6am scores big points in my books. Having someone clean the house scores big points. Plus, it will be the same cost as putting 2 kids in a dayhome.

Throughout all of this we have been in contact with numerous agencies. Only one has actually been the least bit interested in actually helping us out - she is the one who found Rose, our first choice. You'd think they'd be more interested in our business; I'm not sure why they're not.

I'm beyond frustrated. I'm loosing hope that we will ever actually find a nanny. I feel like I'm wasting my time looking for a nanny. Third time lucky, maybe? Right now we'd take just about anyone. Axe murderers, tile setters, anyone.

ferraby lionheart

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQyZk1mgQDQ&eurl=

this is a cute little music video.
yes, there are still nice people out there.

g.

No Junk July - Ammended

OK, I've been thinking it through and am ammending the No Junk July to include everything else. I will not purchase anything that is junk. No stickers, no toys at the dollar store, no magazines.....I will think long and hard before bringing anything home. My life doesn't need any more junk.

Actually I don't think this part will be really hard. I don't THINK I buy a lot of junk to begin with, but it's the summer, and I tend to buy silly things on and in anticipation of holidays.

g.

Things I want to remember about May:

Nerds up the nose
Doing whatever A wanted on her birthday
that great picture I got of R.
the AHA camera moment - learning how to meter differently
the shade of green of the new leaves
A. and her new friend camping

Things I don't want to remember about May:
getting ready for camping
2 kids pooping on the same couch at the same time

poop

I try not to blog about poop too much. I'm sure I'd regret it later and alienate readers now, but this one is priceless.

My darling daughter (the older one) came downstairs this afternoon and said she wanted to show me something that was "so cute". There were two poops in the toilet and apparently they were cuddling. Awwww....how cute....spooning poop.

OK, it was hillarious this afternoon. Sorry.

The story of How I came to be mopping the purple kitchen floor at 10:30pm.

We were behind the 8-ball all day. Baby is teething and not sleeping, so I woke up tired and grumpy, and barely moving. We didn't make it out of the house until after 2 in the afternoon, I'll spare you the tedious details. If you don't have kids yet, or think a second one would be fun, quit reading now.

The evening went something like this:

drag child to bathroom. yes, drag.
get out supper ingredients.
convince child that she doesn't need to be in her bedroom to take clothes off.
supervise poop clean up.
cut meat for supper.
cuddle crying baby and attempt to feed.
change diaper.
administer teething drops, finally feed baby.
cut up broccoli for supper.
confiscate scissors.
cuddle crying baby who has flipped onto her stomach.
change diaper.
baby goes to sleep.
start cooking stirfry.
baby wakes up.
keep cooking stirfry.
baby cries.
go to get husband for dinner. he's not there.
get baby.
change diaper.
set table (holding baby).
complain about house being messy. to the 4 yr. old.
eat supper (holding baby).
give husband cold shoulder when he finally comes in.
change diaper.
put baby to bed.
set up crafts for 4 yr old and imaginary friend.
clear table, clean kitchen, do dishes, dole out paint portions.
clean up crafts.
remove alligator from bath tub.
put 4 yr old in bath, and help her scrub off face paint.
put 4 yr old on toilet and have discussion about the finer points of pooping.
do chair yoga with child on toilet.
make smoothee. blueberry.
play hand games with child on toilet.
put alligator back in bathtub.
feed baby.
hear crash.
conversation about spilled smoothee. apparently it's "everywhere" and "dripping on the floor".
regret adding blueberries.
finish feeding baby.
mop floor while daddy reads stories and gets cuddles.
blog about how much fun it is to have 2 little kids.
wonder where the month of april went.

Do you post pictures of your kids on the internet??

An interesting discussion is going on here (follow the links for some interesting comments) about posting pictures of your children on the internet. You've probably noticed I don't do it. Their father asked me not to, so I don't have to think about it much. I remember a thread on one cloth diapering board I frequent about how people had found an adult cloth diaper fetish site with pictures of THEIR KIDS ON IT. The creeps had copied the pictures from the original site where moms had innocently put them up to show off this or that new diaper. N'uff said. Not my kids.

You'll just have to imagine how darn adorable my two youngsters are.....or visit their aunties' facebook pages....

The Perfect Couple.

Ahhh....what will the next week hold??

I managed to turn about half of my prefolds blue today. A good start to the week, if you ask me.
For reasons that escape me now, I washed my favourite blue scarf (thank you, sis) with a load of diapers. I had dipped the scarf in pancake syrop, and kept forgetting to throw it in with the wash.

Now, the prefolds are blue. With yellow serged edges.

So, now they're in the wash again, with lots of oxyclean in hopes that they return to their former glory. If it doesn't work out I'll just be glad I bought prefolds and not goodmamas. Hahahaha... that's my positive thought for the day.

In other news, the impetigo cleared up right away after dousing with tea tree oil and antibiotics. I have my face back! The scars are going away quickly and i can now go out in public and not get tormented by children. It seems silly, but it was a little traumatic. The best comment was my neighbour who asked if I'd gotten punched in the face. Next best were the looks on the parents' faces as the children at music class attacked. It was a mix of disgust and feeling sorry for me.

Ahhh....what will the next week hold??

Lunar Eclipse

There was a complete lunar eclipse last night. Miracuaously, it was clear and bright where I live, so I played around with the camera on manual mode and the tripod and got the following pics. Enjoy.

WhatAWeek

Is it possible that it's really Friday?? The 14th??
Somehow the whole week has gone by, and I can't even think of what happened to it.
Monday - Grocery shopping in AM, Chiropractor in PM - Chiropractor visits take half a day, as they are 45 minutes from my house. Sometimes I wonder if all that driving is worse on my back than just staying at home and not seeing the chiro guy. I should post about the whole chiro thing one day.
Tuesday - Cleaning the house all day, and library in the pm, company after supper. It was our first trip to the library, and they just happened to be starting a kids story and craft time which we joined in on. Then we read 37 books and I had to tear A. away. They only take cash or cheque so we couldn't even get a library card this time, but the sympathetic librarian gave us a Clifford book to take home anyway. I hate it when places refuse to get debit or credit machines. There's no excuse for it. There's one ice cream shop and a great coffee shop in town that I almost never make it to because they only take cash, and I almost never have any. It's a Canadian thing.
Wednesday - Midwife in the morning, Dance class in the afternoon. All is well with baby. Head down and growing well. Heartbeat strong at 160. I am so thankful. We start 2 week visits now. Wow, 34 weeks already, I could have a baby in as little as 3 weeks!!! Ya, that's me freaking out!!
Dance class was the most hilarious thing I've seen in a long time. It was parent's day so we all got to watch for the first time. My kid was the one in the back staring at the parents or her own reflection in the mirror, always a step behind the others. She fit in, actually, as you don't really expect too much coordination from 3 and 4 year olds. I wasn't the only parent trying to hide the hysterical laughing fit the whole thing brought on. Especially with the "Big Bum Walking". Use your imagination.
Thursday - Chiro in the morning, work Christmas party in the pm. It was fun to go and see everyone again. The company released a new logo this week and everyone hates it. Acquisition rumors are back again, but there are always those rumors. Two projects I was working on had snags this week. I feel bad for the person who took them over but it sounds like they got it worked out. She is enjoying the new work, as I thought she would. Everyone needs a change sometimes. I thinks she likes about it all the things that I didn't.
Friday - "What a heck" Where did the week go? Shopping with Auntie J. for Christmas stuff. I hate shopping, but I like Auntie J. This should be good. Maybe there's a coffee purveyor near the stores. Preggy lady needs reinforcement.

So simple, yet obviously impossible

There's nothing I hate more than bra straps that fall down. Ok, maybe a couple of things...but this I deal with on a daily basis. It makes you awkward and ungraceful as you try to hitch them back up with nobody noticing. What is it with bra designers that they don't think about the straps falling down?? It's one of the basic functions of the thing, don't you think? Now, I don't think I have overly sloping or narrow shoulders, so what's the deal?? Am I the only one with this problem??

Perhaps it's because I'm not a size zero supermodel. That's usually the problem when clothes don't fit or look right - they were designed for the 1% of the population with tall, skinny little bodies and perfect teeth. Really, there is a good chance that this is what's really going on here. But I'm not the only one who's not size zero; I guess it's just not glamorous to design clothes for actual, real life people.

I know this is a silly thing to complain about given all the problems in the world, but how many times in a day do I find myself hiking those stupid little straps up?? All they would have to do is sew the straps closer to the center of the back and voila, problem solved. It just seems so simple, yet obviously impossible.

I can't believe I spent a whole post on that. I'm tired of smiling about it.

Perfect Pyjamas

I almost went to the midwife's office in pyjamas last week. That's how much I love my new pyjamas. They're soft and new and, best of all, they fit. Of course, they should fit darn well for what I paid for them. More than I've ever paid for something made of cotton before. I swear the stores see pregnant people coming and get dollar signs in their eyes. But they are lovely, and I will wear them until after the baby is born and they won't stay up anymore. And then, I'll probably put away the bottoms and keep the top because it looks so handy for nursing, which I expect to do a lot of. If they weren't so expensive I'd buy a set in every color.
And, I tell you, they were made for me in mind - there are 2 tops - one with spaghetti straps and snap-flaps made for nursing - they're even a little sexy which is hard to imagine when you feel like a walrus. The second top is long sleeved and button-down - perfect for post-partum days when you don't even want to get out of your pyjamas but want to be a little warmer and more covered-up in front of the in-laws.
I highly recommend hanging around in your pyjamas in the first weeks post-partum, by the way. It sends a message of "I'm in recovery, and one step away from going back to bed". It tells people that you're not going to go out to the store, or cook a meal or even visit for too long.
Amen