What's an Old Sould To Do?

Someone said I had an old soul today. What a lovely compliment. Really.
Truth is I just feel old. OK, let me begin again. Have you ever met someone who is doing what they are meant to do? I’ve always been envious of these people. My husband is one of them. He’s been fixing vehicles before he could even drive, swapped out 9 engines before I let him buy an engine hoist. Mechanics is just in his blood. Well, when I went to university I had the hardest time figuring out what to do. The world opened up before a vast chasm of possibilities. So, I did the only sensible thing to do – faked it. I went to school and took a bunch of courses that sounded interesting and then took more of the interesting ones until I had a double major in linguistics and sociology. Not the most useful thing but what a fun degree. After that I temped and got an admin job and eventually worked my way up to the job I have now. I went where the current took me. And it’s a good job, don’t get me wrong, and I always think it’s funny I ended up working with engineers.
But something strange happened this week. Well, it was the catalyst, really, as there have been many signs that have been building up and up and up until now I can’t ignore it. The thing that happened this week is that a local college announced that it will be starting up a midwifery program. Even as I type this my heart jumps – midwifery, oh, how I want to do this! I think I could be really good at this, I am passionate about it. I remember when my friend had her baby last month and I rushed out to her house to deliver herbs and it wasn’t the usual cooing about the cute little baby, the empathy for the mother rose and I had to help her.
And then reality hits – if only I’d figured this out 10 years ago – oh, it was so easy to go to school then. It’s the money that’s getting me, and not even tuition, but my family needs my income every month. It’s impossible. I have a family, responsibilities, debts (student loans from last time, even!). But nothing is really impossible, I know, I just can’t figure out how to be able to do this. How do people manage to go back to school when they’re older? If only I knew. And so I feel old today. Not an old soul, but old and out of options.

I'd love some input here, anyone. Any thoughts?

about control... any feminists around??

There's another issue, and that is control. I should really post my daughter's birth story - maybe if you ask nicely. wink. - then maybe you'd understand. All was going hunky-dorey for the pregnancy. We were all healthy and happy etc. etc.. Then we ended up at the hospital for a version to try to turn our breech baby. It was an afternoon thing the day my mat leave started. Well, I started having teeny tiny contractions and they said I was in labour and well, we were just railroaded. They said you need this and that and we didn't know about anything they were talking about. We tried to phone people to get advice, and got none. I couldn't even reach the phone, and they would come in and give me heck when I sat up. I said I needed to get up and walk around because my back hurt, and they gave me a heating pad instead. And we had no power. And so we gave in. And ever since I've been trying to figure out how that happened - how did they take our power away? And what can I do to not let that ever happen again?
And then you wonder why I am so defensive about hospitals, about medicine. I don't want to be railroaded again. So, yes, I trust the midwife - trust her with my life when it comes down to it - but I need to still feel like I have not given her all the power. I need to feel like I made the decisions, not her, and we didn't just go along blindly. Because some days it would be easy to just go along with everything and be the perfect compliant patient.

So, you can see that this is MY issue, not the midwife's issue. Just to be clear. Some people are suggesting she's not the right midwife for us, but I think once I get over some issues she'll be fine. I am very confident in her abilities to keep us alive, and she has been so so respectful and patient with us so far. I believe in my heart that she will respect our wishes in the birth.

Prenatal Classes - Take Two!

Yay, Fantastic news! We're officially registered for Bradley prenatal classes!! After the last disastrous midwife appointment (I finally convinced my husband) we decided to give it a go. I'm pretty excited, as you can probably tell. I realized at that appointment that I really need it, not just dear hubby. I've lost my confidence and desperately need to get it back. I think being in a positive atmosphere talking about birth in a positive way will help, and, I can't lie, I'm looking forward to a room full of big bellies like mine. The midwife highly recommended it, and the instructor, and that's what convinced dear hubby. I think.

Here's what I was forwarded when I asked what would be covered. it's a 2-day "meat and potatoes" class, so there's a lot left out, but we took really good classes last time, so I think this will be just right.

A general overview would be..... staying low risk and
healthy, basic nutrition, pregnancy exercises to prepare your birthing mucslces,
abdominal breathing, rlelaxation techniques for pain
management, understanding and practicing contractions,
coaching support strategies, mom's labour, checklist, dad's
labour checklist, introduction to first stage labour, transition, second
stage pushing, third stage (placenta), advanced first and second stage
positions, labour rehearsal, Bradley Energy Saving techniques, reviewing of all
the critical details, some videos and lots of extras depending on the questions
and time available.

I don't spend time on develping birth plans,
teaching you how to work with your birth team to overcome obstacles, discussing
breastfeeding or post partum issues as there is simply not enough time.
The Modified program is simply the meat and potatoes to get you by (and it will
get you by). The great news is that your midwives will take care of
all/any newborn or post partum issues. If couples want me to review
their birth plan or talk with me about breastfeeding or post birth concerns, I'm
only a phone call (or e-mail message) away.

Hope this
helps,

lost perspective

I feel like I've completely lost perspective.
I am trying to make sense of what happened at the appointment yesterday, but I just can't sum it up in a single sentence.

So, basically, here's the situation:
DH is asking questions about all sorts of scenarios. Good for him.
The midwife is trying to keep us from crossing "the stupid line", giving information and trying not to get sued.
I am the big ol' protective mama bear saying don't you dare try to interfere in any way. I know I need to start to trust her, but she is a little more conservative than I am (plus she doesn't mind hospitals, which raises suspicion right away), and I just seem to get all defensive. There has got to be a balance between trusting your midwife and being an informed medical consumer.

I'm not sure at all what's going on and am feeling a little (lot) lost.

I wish I had something more coherent to say.

first the good news....

I really warmed my heart when my midwife explained to my squeamish husband that he wouldn't have to catch the baby, that I would do it. Yes, that is how the world is supposed to work. She even said something like "that's just the way it happens" and made a motion like bringing baby up to her chest.

She also was able to tell that the baby is currently HEAD DOWN!! You have no idea how relieving that news is. Of course, it's still so early (26 weeks), and I can feel baby moving around everywhere, but it was a good sign. This baby is so different from Little A. She never flipped around the way this one does. She was bum down from the beginning and stayed that way to the end. This one's not a thinker like A.. He's a doer. We're scared.

We also confirmed that baby has grown quite a bit in the last month. The baby bump is growing to large pumpkin size, which makes dear hubby ask how much bigger it will get. Stick around a couple of months!! You'll see. Yoga is getting pretty silly. I'm doing my own thing for over half of the class because my body just doesn't pretzel like it used to. Not that it used to pretzel, really, but I could at least fake it!

I'll post the bad news tomorrow.
ok, so it's not really 'news', so don't stay up all night worrying.

g.

Appointment Time

Well, off to the midwife appointment with dear partner full of questions!
Wish me luck!
I hope I don't need it!

news: Midwives Covered!

I just got news that our insurance company will cover the midwife's fees!! Woo Hoo! I have to tell you this is very rare. A hospital birth with a MD is free in Canada (paid for by our taxes), but in Alberta nothing about midwives is covered (It's around $3500, plus more for the birth center). Through our company plan we can claim up to $500 per year for a midwife. If we play our cards right it may be more, and probably all of it. I don't know all the details yet, as the plan has just changed to a new-fangled flexible choose-your-own-adventure type thing.
But it looks good.
And what doesn't get covered in 2008 can be carried over to 2009, so, really, that's $1000 toward the midwife.
But wait, there's more!! Because having a baby is a "Life Event" (no kidding), you can change your choose-your-own-adventure health plan in the middle of the year if you need to. So if have a sick baby, we can get more coverage.

Sounds too good to be true? Possibly. I'm waiting for the downside.