Sunday, December 16, 2007

The Sweet Spot

I think this is the sweet spot. My sister tells me that my blog sounds depressed, so here is a "nice" post for once...

I think this is the sweet spot. I've come such a long way in this pregnancy. VBACers (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean -ers) come with a lot of baggage. We know that things go wrong in birth (you can stop telling us). We know that just wanting a straightforward birth is not enough. We're armed and ready to fight this time. We've usually read too much, analyzed the past too much, and are scared. We know that in many places we might have to fight just to have the right to "try" for a VBAC, let alone one with less medical intervention. So we go in fists up. That's where I was a couple of months ago. That's the place I'm coming from.

But you know what, I'm not fighting anymore. I'm actually starting to enjoy this pregnant thing. I lay in bed just feeling kicks and wondering what it will feel like to have this baby in my arms, wondering what life will look like in a couple of months, trying to guess if this is an arm or leg, and how could someone so small and helpless kick so hard. Reveling in it all like a first - timer. It's a far cry from worrying about uterine rupture or trying to convince everyone around me that the hospital isn't necessarily the best place for this birth. It's peaceful. And all I've ever wanted in life was to feel peaceful. That's the truth.

No, life is not all puppies and roses. I just have perspective now.
I've been up since 5:30am, my back hurts like the dickens (I'm being polite), I'm worried about getting things done before Christmas and before the baby comes (nevermind very necessary bathroom renos), I still have to decide what to do about the heplock request, the dishes aren't done, and the fish tank needs to be cleaned. Again. There, I just had to say it all to get it out of my head. Maybe now I can go back to sleep for half an hour before the alarm goes off.

And, as no small sidenote, I think my loving husband has gone through the same sort of transition. Though he wouldn't probably tell the world about it like me. ( ; > Love you, honey!)
I just know he's in a more positive frame of mind about it all. We did an exercise in our prenatal class where the instructor pretended to be a nurse and was presenting us with intervention options. I was nervous as hell. It was such an uncomfortable place to be in because we've been there. I was shifty-eyed and feeling trapped. Hubby was confident and had this great "bring it on" attitude. Man I love that guy. He is my match in every way possible. If I get through this at all it will be in large part due to him.

I'm finally feeling like we're ready to have this baby. Well, almost!

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